June, 2010
I’ve been fulltime outside of work since March, and including work since early May. All I can say is “I should have done this sooner.” I feel so much more alive. I enjoy the simple things so much more…a sunny day, a beautiful flower, a conversation with a friend. Even things I used to just endure have become enjoyable…waiting on line at the supermarket, driving to a meeting, working in the office. I describe it as “the mundane has become marvelous.”
I am truly lucky and blessed. While my marriage is effectively over, my wife and I are still friends, and still live in the same home. My children could not be more supportive. My daughter and I had dinner recently and the first thing she said when she got in the car was “that’s such a pretty dress!” My son is nothing short of amazing, having no issues with being seen with me or me meeting any of his friends. Both my children are the true joys of my life.
I have also been very lucky with work. Since transitioning I have, if anything, been busier. The company has selected me to represent them at 2 trade shows, and I continue to support our sales efforts in front of customers as before. I cannot say enough about how well my company (Kalido, Inc.) has handled my transition.
I am also very fortunate to be able to afford my treatment. It has enabled me to move as quickly as I have. Not that the road has been easy…I have certainly had some very tough times in the past 2 years. Not the least of which was a nervous breakdown last September that landed me in the psych ward for 3 days. As awful as those 3 days were, they marked a turning point for me. It was only then that I started to truly accept all that I was giving up, and gave myself permission to feel okay about it.
Guilt is a powerful force. As I have proceeded through transition I have seen the pain and sorrow I have caused my wife. Causing such pain to the one you love is devastating. It has taken me 18 months, but I have finally reached the point where I can believe that I am not doing this to her, and I am as much a victim of circumstance as is she. My only hope is that my wife finds a way to recover from this loss, and finds a new path for herself.
In the end, we are all responsible for our own happiness. When you are truly at peace with yourself, then everything else in your life becomes far less critical. Fulfillment comes less from material things and more from the connections we form with others. No one and no thing can “make” you happy, true happiness comes from within, from your soul.
That is why the Buddha smiles.